TIS THE SEASON FOR MANAGING THE HOLIDAYS IN A NARCISSIST FAMILY

December 16, 2024

Sherrie L. King, M.S., LPC, GC-C

Protecting the Facade

Holiday stress with family is a common experience, as family gatherings can bring joy and tension. Navigating different personalities and expectations can sometimes be irritating, and spending extended periods with family can feel overwhelming. Some family members anticipate attending, sitting, eating, and leaving rather than behaving like good houseguests and at least offering to assist with the cleaning. However, none of these customary inconveniences compare to spending holidays in a narcissistic family environment. Navigating the holidays with a narcissistic mother can be emotionally taxing as well as lead to dread and a significant amount of anxiety.

A commitment to attending the family gathering and protecting the great family façade is expected so that the false image of a happy family can be presented and maintained. You will be expected to behave agreeably even if it isn’t fair to you. Cheerfully narrating all the faux happy family stories instead of the ugly truth is usual. If you dare tell any of the nasty truth stories, the narcissist will feel threatened, and you can expect to encounter their rage as soon as they feel safe to unmask and show their true abusive self.

Emotional Landmines

Emotional landmines in the context of narcissistic abuse refer to situations, topics, or interactions that are passed off as innocent but are intended to cause emotional distress, manipulate you, or start a conflict. These "landmines" are often deliberately presented by the narcissist to maintain control, assert dominance, or provoke a reaction. You might be unnecessarily criticized about your appearance, life choices, or behavior.  You might suffer triangulation by being compared unfavorably to siblings or others to provoke insecurity or jealousy.

Invalidation is another emotional landmine aimed to dismiss or belittle the victim’s feelings, experiences, or achievements subtly or overtly.  Offering excessive affection or praise, then abruptly withdrawing it to create confusion and dependence, is a love-bombing behavior followed by devaluing your worth or significance. If the family happens to engage in conversations about past happenings, the narcissist will deny or distort the past events to make you doubt your narrative and memory. These situations are like a ticking time bomb and usually feel threatening, as the reactions they provoke leave the targeted person confused, hurt, or questioning themselves.

Gift-Giving or Receiving as A Control Tactic

Gift-giving during the holidays with narcissistic mothers can be emotionally fraught, as they often use this tradition to reinforce control, seek validation, or manipulate family dynamics. Strings are always attached to gifts given by a narcissist. Typically, gifts come with unspoken obligations or expectations, such as loyalty or compliance. You might find that your needs or desires are ignored while you are given what the narcissist thinks you should accept. This approach is intended to assert dominance over your choices. Often, narcissists compare their gifts to others to position themselves as superior, devalue others’ efforts, or triangulate siblings by creating competition between them.

If the gift isn’t grandiose enough or doesn’t reflect the sought-after validation, the response might become passive-aggressive or outright critical. If you are met with faux gratitude, it is likely a performance to highlight the narcissist’s perceived generosity in contrast to yours. Unfortunately, the holidays create opportunities for the narcissist to attempt to make you feel like you are indebted to them. Anything you are given, even the most modest gifts, might be weaponized to hurt you while framing themselves as selfless.

Strategies for Managing the Holidays

Managing the holidays with a narcissistic mother requires emotional resilience and boundary-setting. Focus on controlling your own actions and reactions rather than trying to change her behavior. One way you can manage holiday stress with narcissists is to set clear intrapersonal limits. Decide beforehand what you’re comfortable giving and spending, then stick to it. Monitor your expectations. Understand that the narcissist’s reaction may be critical, dismissive, or exaggerated regardless of what you do.

Accepting this can help protect your emotional well-being. Remain calm regardless of the undesirable reactions to avoid getting drawn into arguments where you feel like you must defend yourself. If you must respond, allow the narcissist to be responsible for their emotions by saying something like, “It’s unfortunate that you feel that way.” Don’t apologize because you have done nothing wrong, and don’t explain because it’s your money, and you can spend it however you like or not at all.

Finally, disconnect from guilt. If you are given an expensive gift, remind yourself that you are not obligated to reciprocate in kind or accept the gift at all if you don’t want to. Keep in mind that you are not indebted to anyone. Survivors finding it difficult to disconnect from guilt might consider not accepting anything so that they can maintain psychological, emotional, and physical autonomy.